the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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