I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
