U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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