The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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