summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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