Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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