I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
