just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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