my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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