I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
