I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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