Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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