May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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