dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
