Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
