On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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