I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
