eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
