I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
