I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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