Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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