Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
