I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
