apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
