And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
