I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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