I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
