And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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