Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
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I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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