I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
