thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
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So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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