I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."