Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.