I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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