So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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