I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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