I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
