Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
