Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
