i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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