i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
