His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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