If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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