evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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