after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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