she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
