you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Small penises have feelings too.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
