Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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