How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
