You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
