wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
