Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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