Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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