I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
