I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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