There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
