I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
